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A letter opener?
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No, I don't think so.
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Unless you hit pay dirt on the first strike,
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it'll be messy.
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What else?
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You could bludgeon me with the statue of St. Francis.
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That would be ironic,
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considering that he renounced his debauchery
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before becoming a saint,
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and you, Father, living your life in complete reversal.
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Could you wrap your fingers around my throat
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and squeeze?